<<     April 2008    

Belly

Herodotus didn't mean it like that

Hamid's mother's birthday was coming up and we put together a gorgeous little package of specialty kitchen items for her. Nothing too weighty, as it's not a cheap package - sending things to Iran. Nothing edible, wet, or otherwise possibly misconstrued - just an assortment of outrageously expensive, technologically advanced potholders with a matching set of darling Americana-style kitchen towels (with little roosters on them).

We signed and enclosed a card and jetted off to the post office to have it delivered to Tehran; happy in the knowledge that our gift would arrive exactly on her birthday, thrilled that we'd created a gift package she (like my own kitchen-addicted mother) would truly enjoy.

We arrived at the post office, here in nowhere-I'll-ever-live-again-God-it's-so-boring, and handed the package over to the clerk with a quick explanation that it was headed for Iran (pronounced 'ee-rahn'). He looked up at me, paused, and corrected me, "You mean Eye-ran." "No," I countered, "Ee-rahn. It's Eee-raaahn..." I emphasized the correct pronunciation and waited for him to tell me it would cost somewhere around a zillion dollars to send out our little package but instead, he got red in the face and fumbled around with some Official Post Office Documents (or at least rather bad photocopies of the same). The papers fluttered around his feet as his composure went from bad to non-existent until he spied the one he was looking for, tapped a black work shoe on it for good measure - just in case it tried to escape - and handed it over. "Oh, we don't send to them anymore." He announced, triumphant. I stared in disbelief through his grimy shoe print at the text which informed all 'Postal Service Clerks and Representatives' that 'NO CORRESPONDENCE of any kind' would be ferried from the United States via the Postal Service to any of the following countries: envision neatly typed list of George Bush's favorite Axis of Evil nations.

I was totally appalled, having just sent a massive payment in quarterly self employment taxes to the very same government that was now trying to tell me that it is suddenly not within my rights to send packages wherever I darn well please. So much for civil services. So much for assumed freedoms. I picked up my package in a huff and abandoned the mail clerk's now failed lesson in proper pronunciation - totally defeated and pretty damn pissed off; swimming in the irony that the adage attributed to the U.S. Postal Service, "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." was actually said more than 2500 years ago by Herodotus the Greek historian in reference to the Persian mounted postal couriers who, in his estimation, were exceptionally brave.

Since when does the United States government install such a law without informing the people who utilize the service in the first place. A search on Google turned up nothing, no news, no announcement, no discussion. No evidence of the quick, quiet, under-the-table decision that American citizens are now even further cut off from their families abroad. The day I dial Iran and get a message telling me I no longer have the right is the day I pack our bags and ask the powers that be to expatriate me once and for all, thank you very much.

In the end, I will get this package to my mother-in-law. It may be late, but I will get it there. A friend in __________ is going to accept delivery of our contraband gift and repost for delivery to Tehran. So there. So ha! How's that for hacking the system?

And stop saying Eye-ran for goodness sake!