Yeah Right...

Well then, thank goodness it's 2006...

The Good Wife’s Guide, “Housekeeping Monthly”
13 May, 1955

1. Have dinner ready. (Does that include ordering delivery by phone?) Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (Whatever.)

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (Please, spare me. Anyway, he tells me I'm gorgeous regardless - THAT should be in 'The Good Husband's Guide")

3. Be a little gay (I'm not even going there, it's too easy) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (I AM his day...and I am never, ever boring. Completely silly and a little weird sometimes, but not boring.)

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. (No thanks. I don't do clean-up so much.)

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (We are happily messy, together. It's more fun that way.)

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (I relent, this last statement is true...)

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (Fortunately for both of us those little darlings don't exist just yet...though knowing how Hamid was as a child, and how loud and rambunctious we are NOW, I doubt very much any efforts at keeping them quiet will have much success.)

8. Be happy to see him. (It seems to me, if you have to be reminded of this, then you're in the wrong marriage...)

9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (OK, I can do this.)

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (Ummmm, not so much.)

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Fortunately, I don't have this problem....)

12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (It's not my problem if he doesn't feel like doing yoga.)

13. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. (EXCUSE ME?!) Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (Again, not so much.)

14. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (Believe me, I've got more than that 'ready for him.')

15. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (Does the master wish anything else?)

16. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (I call BULLSH*T)

17. A good wife always knows her place.
(Yes, she does e.x.a.c.t.l.y....and don't confuse the reality of that with any of this gibberish. I, as most women who are in love with their husbands, don't mind the least bit taking care of my darling...but there never has been and never will be a day so archaic as the one described here. Normal men don't think this way or expect their wives or partners to behave this way. If a guy actually says to a woman 'But, I'm the man...' It's time to say 'Yes, yes you are my darling...' as you're closing the door behind you.)